Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

Sometimes, when we go balls to the wall, we get hurt.

My son learned this lesson yesterday in expressing his excitement over a cute dog while practicing his walking skills - he propelled himself full force forward and sadly fell face down on the concrete. It clearly hurt, and when the blood started coming out of his nose I was horrified. My heart sunk. I literally had my son's blood on my hands.

But after cleaning him up and distracting him with a little vanilla ice cream he was over it. Quicker than I was. And as the day went on and his nose got more and more bruised and purpley I was reminded over and over of how fragile he is, and how resilient. This morning he woke up with big scrapes that have already started to scab over, and he clearly is feeling great and ready to enjoy a new day of adventures. I am left however with another reminder of life's hard lessons.

Living balls to the wall means that sometimes we fall. Sometimes we get hurt. And our real strength is in how we approach every moment after the fall. Do we feel the pain, recover and start anew? Or are we afraid to ever walk again? Do we continue to take steps forward and let the wound scab over or do we let injury and pain stop us in our tracks?

This past year there were many balls to the wall moments in my life. And there were occasions when this resulted in hurt. Inevitably. There has been financial bruising, physical challenges, emotional pain, scabbing and healing. There have also been times when I was stopped in my tracks. Looking at my son's scraped and scabby nose I am reminded that one of the hardest things to do as an adult is simply figuring out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And keep moving forward.

The Personal and Professional Yin-Yang

I am well aware of the extraordinary position I am in personally and professionally. My son is the greatest gift I have ever received in my life, and I am beyond fortunate to be able to decide how much or how little I want to work and how I want his first years to be spent and with whom. I have generous options. I am also extremely fortunate to have always had work. I have always had job opportunities (albeit some more attractive than others) and I have never been truly scared that I would be jobless for a great length of time. So while I am one of the millions of people who live paycheck to paycheck, and certainly above my means and enjoying the present rather than saving for the future, I haven't ever been too nervous.

This doesn't mean that all my dreams have come true, or that I have never wanted for anything...I still have many dreams and goals and desires - some of which may come true some day and some may not. I have endured deep challenges and difficulty, as well as ridiculous happiness and joy. However, after an epically bad day I am left wondering if I can have it all. Even when trying to live life full throttle, there may be an unexpected tragedy or pain right around the corner ready to derail this fast moving train of goodness. At the same time, as I also discovered during an epically bad week, sometimes surprising opportunities with amazing potential fall into one's lap equally unexpected. When both happen at the same time, it makes for a confusing week.

Personal lives take work to maintain. I believe that. I believe that it is hard to be your best self at all times, and that its important to keep trying no matter what. For some of us, it is almost easier to be our best self professionally. It is less complicated, less emotional, less messy and has some clearer boundaries, consequences and job descriptions (well not always). But why is it that bad and good so often come our way simultaneous. If I were someone other than myself (you know who you are, and I love you for it) I would say its the universe's way of keeping balance. SO your personal life may be shit at the moment, but at least you are a rock star professionally. Or the other way around.

For me, the personal professional divide just keeps getting more complicated. Now I need to be my best self for me, my best version of what a partner should be, my best version of a mother, and my best version of a professional. Its exhausting just thinking about it. And when one of those feels like a failure - whether it be momentarily or at a core level - its so hard to not let that bleed over into other pieces of me. And then it is easy to give up on living balls to the wall, because what's the point?

Except there is a point. Each day I have the privilege of waking up, and the privilege of waking up in cushy circumstances, with a millions reasons to be thankful all around me, and a million reasons not to waste one day. Giving half an effort isn't an option when it would be shameful to waste the gifts and opportunities we are surrounded by. The only way to do justice to such a beautiful life is to continue to try to live it balls to the wall. Even after an epically bad (or good) week.

The Pyramid of Parenting

I am not sure if I came up with this mini-theory on the pyramid of parenting, or if I was influenced by one of my much wiser and more experienced parenting friends, or if its a combination of my own reflections with something I read somewhere. But here it is nonetheless.

To me, good parenting takes place when 3 levels of the pyramid are happening and present. And it is rare.

Level 1 is the base of the pyramid. It is the foundation and without it none of the other levels are possible. Level 1 parenting is basic survival parenting. Food and shelter parenting. This is the easy stuff, but the stuff that scares the shit out of us the first 4 weeks. The how-do-I-keep-this-tiny-thing-alive part of parenting. Most teen moms are able to master this level, often with the help of their own moms.

Level 2 parenting gets a little more sophisticated. Now its not just survival parentings, its a step above the basic non-neglect needs. Is my kid warm, full, happy, well-rested. I admit to having a couple key Level 2 parenting failures in my brief time as a mother. One includes failing to notice my son lost his socks on top of the Eiffel Tower in crazy 45 degree cold and fearing that his feet had suffered frostbite. And my current battle with his sleep, which happens beautifully only when he is next to me. Still wrestling with that one.

Level 3 parenting is the toughest and its the area where I find its easiest for me to feel like a failure, depending on the day. It is assisting with the higher level functioning and development of this little human. It means stimulating, challenging, reading, giving opportunities for independence, growth, learning. It is what propelled me to sign up for our brief stint in the mommy and me music class. The need to feel like I am going beyond the basics and helping my son to grow and develop, providing environments that will constantly stretch him to the next milestone and connect more neurotransmitters. Level 3 parenting makes me feel like I am doing everything I can do to help facilitate my son in reaching his potential. And being the super smartest most awesome person ever.

Mastering and accomplishing all three levels of the parenting pyramid on a daily basis is a challenge. And its a rare day when I can say that I feel like I nailed it. But it doesn't stop me from trying.

The ULTIMATE challenge, however, is how to accomplish the complete magical parenting pyramid AND still live balls to the wall. Does it mean that as a mother I am only able to pyramid parent (because this alone takes a LOT of effort)? Or can I also live balls to the wall in my professional life? Can I kill it professionally and bust ass and be amazing at what I do both in the home AND out of the home, going full throttle maximum effort in both? Or does attempting to do so set me up for definite Level 3 parenting failures? This is my real exploration: living balls to the wall as a mother.

LIfe Lessons for Luka

To blog or not to blog has often been a question for me. Among many. And as I sat here sadly dismantling my son's incredibly helpful Jumperoo, marveling at the fact that is another thing he has already outgrown and will never need again, I realized my motivation.

Luka.

This blog, about living balls to the wall, is an evolution of life lessons for Luka. A guidebook on how to live full throttle. A series of reflections on moments and decisions on going balls to the wall, narrated by Luka's mom. For his future benefit and anyone else who cares to tune in.

For Luka, who I hope goes balls to the wall in all that he cares about in life.

Living Balls to the Wall Means...

Going all out. Full force. Maximum speed.

Its not entirely clear where the phrase originated, but most sources locate it as stemming from military aviation somewhere between the Korean and Vietnam wars. The throttle in many fighter plans are topped with a ball and presumably to get maximum power you push it all the way to the front of the cockpit (also known as the firewall). Thus going all out is going "balls to the wall."

This is a blog about living full-force. Balls to the wall in all that you do.