30 Days Until 40

i have 30 days until i turn 40 years old.  this is no small event.  as someone who likes to think i have a long and interesting (dare i say exciting) life ahead of her, turning 40 presents some existential crises that are hard to put into words.

feeling old.
feeling unremarkable, invisible.
being called ma'am by boys i would once have consider hot.
watching my body and face change rapidly, and feeling the ever intensifying pull towards old age.
looking around and ahead and finding there is so much still to be done, to be accomplished.
looking back and finding that, despite my best efforts, there were missed opportunities and decisions that could have been better.
remembering moments that are long gone, and wishing i could visit them again.
grasping at memories, people, songs and feelings that remind me of my younger self.
wanting things that seem somehow harder or further from reach for someone soon to be entering their 40's.

i know a lot more about myself now.  i also see clearly the areas where i could be better.  it is obvious to me the many ways i would like to improve, change and grow as a person.  and with time speeding up it all becomes very intensified and serious for some reason.

initially i thought i should take on a challenge of doing one new thing for myself in the next 30 days - to mark the milestone of 40 more poignantly.  maybe things on my life's growing to-do list that would make me feel accomplished. but then i realized that there are enough challenges each day, that being the mother i want to be,  making progress in my professional life (slow but sure progress), and trying to live a life that is happy and interesting and balls to the wall on a daily basis (particularly this month!) doesn't leave a lot of room for an additional 30 day challenge.  so for now i will look at this countdown with wide eyes and hope that something awesome and delightful hits me over the head on september 29th.

Sacrifice and Love

I was ruminating on the nature of parenting, and the challenges i face as an individual with deep and dramatic desires for adventure and meaningful contributions and travel and impactful work.  and i started to think that the word that best describes how i was feeling these past few months is SACRIFICE.

Sacrifice - an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.

as a mother, i find that there are many things that i am choosing to sacrifice for the sake of something else more important - my son.  not surprisingly, i sacrifice some of the work that i value...i forgo certain projects and work less on things i care about in order to spend more time with him.  i sacrifice some of the things that i love, such as sleep and extensive travel, in order to be there for him.  i sacrifice time with my friends in order to put him to bed each night, and i sacrifice time getting ready in the morning (and as a consequence often sacrifice feeling good about how i look) in order to be sure to give him the attention he wants.  i sacrifice what i want to do a million little moments through out the day, because i happily give them all up for the sake of him.

its not something i need him to thank me for later on.  its something that is natural to me, and seems inherent in the position. its something that i can't imagine not doing, as he is always (and always will be) regarded as more important or worthy than just about anything.

i know the importance of being happy - and that a happy parent makes for happy children. believe me, i indulge my dreams and interests often.  i am not a martyr.  but i do see how critical and intrinsic the notion of sacrifice is to being the kind of parent i want to be. and its important to acknowledge how hard that can be sometimes.  its not that the rest of me shriveled away and died when my son was born and i no longer have the outlandish intentions and impulsive desires to act...those are all still there (sometimes straining to be unleashed).  it is rather that i, most oftentimes, choose to sacrifice my selfish impulses for something of much greater value.  and i am confident that not only am i happier for it, and he is better for it, but also that these pieces of me will be still be there when the time is right and selfishness over sacrifice makes sense again.