i have 30 days until i turn 40 years old. this is no small event. as someone who likes to think i have a long and interesting (dare i say exciting) life ahead of her, turning 40 presents some existential crises that are hard to put into words.
feeling old.
feeling unremarkable, invisible.
being called ma'am by boys i would once have consider hot.
watching my body and face change rapidly, and feeling the ever intensifying pull towards old age.
looking around and ahead and finding there is so much still to be done, to be accomplished.
looking back and finding that, despite my best efforts, there were missed opportunities and decisions that could have been better.
remembering moments that are long gone, and wishing i could visit them again.
grasping at memories, people, songs and feelings that remind me of my younger self.
wanting things that seem somehow harder or further from reach for someone soon to be entering their 40's.
i know a lot more about myself now. i also see clearly the areas where i could be better. it is obvious to me the many ways i would like to improve, change and grow as a person. and with time speeding up it all becomes very intensified and serious for some reason.
initially i thought i should take on a challenge of doing one new thing for myself in the next 30 days - to mark the milestone of 40 more poignantly. maybe things on my life's growing to-do list that would make me feel accomplished. but then i realized that there are enough challenges each day, that being the mother i want to be, making progress in my professional life (slow but sure progress), and trying to live a life that is happy and interesting and balls to the wall on a daily basis (particularly this month!) doesn't leave a lot of room for an additional 30 day challenge. so for now i will look at this countdown with wide eyes and hope that something awesome and delightful hits me over the head on september 29th.
Dearest
ReplyDeleteYou are wholely remarkable. None of us knows of anyone else who has made a mark on the world like you have. None of us knows anyone else who has decided how life should be lived and lived it in that manner. Others shy from the risk and find solace in the expected. Not you. You are an inspiration. None of us thought we'd live past 27 years. A teen cannot fathom losing the immortality guaranteed by inexperience and fueled only by hope. The 20s let us throw open doors and windows of experience and opprtunity. The 30's allow us to shut those we don't really care for. The 40s? I'm finding out, but it seems to be enjoying that which we like and easily seeking out more. I am, as always, grateful to know you.