When We Get Older

Those are people who died, died
They were all my friends, and they died
Jim Carroll - People Who Died

When we get older sometimes we can't help but look around us, and look back.  The allure of sentimentality and nostalgia are so great that in dark times, quiet times, monumental times, harrowing times, and lonely times we think of our former selves, and the people we knew.  Approaching 40 it seems natural to want to take a loose inventory of my life.

It strikes me that so many people I knew have died.  

I have a running mental list of them that I occasionally revisit to wonder about our merging and diverging paths - old friends, more than one former lover, sisters of my most important people, relatives, acquaintances.  All dead before I turn 40.  It is disturbing and baffling, and so senseless, to know this many people gone before their own 40th birthdays.


And then there are those who haven't died but our paths took opposite turns due to other reasons - homelessness, alcoholism, addiction... It is nearly impossible to determine which set of small (and big) decisions widened the gap between those friends and me.  But as we get older it becomes curious.  

Continuing to look around at those who are still in our lives in some way evokes deep emotions that seem only possible with history and the flattering benefit of time and distance.  It is visceral and crushing - that feeling when your high school sweetheart gets married and has kids with someone else.  Amusing when you find out that your prom date has five kids or that your junior high crush looks even better at 40 than he did in 1988.  Inspiring when your clean-cut friend-turned-heroin-addict-turned-felon-turned-clean-again becomes a responsible and loving father to his son.  Fascinating when your college boyfriend comes out with a book, your law school boyfriend evolves into a successful attorney with a remarkable wife and the best friend you traveled Europe with turns out to live just half a mile from you.  These discoveries are magical.

Without judging, knowing how the people we knew and loved and shared pivotal times with have turned out is part of looking back.  And looking around. Reflecting.  It is like another road map of how we got where we are, where we took a different turn, and where we might have gone, had things.... It puts our own lives in context while also showing the uniqueness of our own paths.  And, when the sentimentality passes and the losses fade again to the backdrop, I emerge back in the present and can't help but feel extraordinarily fortunate to be at the very spot I am right now.  And soon to be 40.

In the Company of Great Women

I am lucky.  I am surrounded by inspiring women of extraordinary talents and strength.  This Mother's Day I am thinking of women, mothers and non-mothers alike, who provide amazing examples of what is possible  - possible to do, to be, to become, to accomplish.  So many women who somehow find a way to make the impossible seem almost effortless and who show me the infinite levels of living (balls to the wall) ... as a woman.

From the women I know who somehow manage to raise smart and happy kids on no money whatsoever, without them ever feeling deprived in some way.  To the women who are changing the world with each day that they dedicate themselves to service and global development.  The women who are miraculously balancing their personal and professional selves, with or without kids, and contributing to the external world as well as their intimate personal worlds.  Women in school while working and raising kids, women raising kids in countries foreign to them and teaching their children to explore and appreciate the world and other cultures, women raising kids with their wives who have to endure ridiculous legal obstacles to fair and just treatment, women pioneers leading huge teams (of mostly men) in places like Afghanistan and Libya, women in shelters (often with kids) paying a high price to live a life free from violence, women raising smart and thoughtful human beings while juggling a thousand other relationships and obligations and demands, women following their dreams while simultaneously taking care of their babies or other people's babies, women who run marathons and break physical barriers, and women who bravely do what is right even when it is the hardest option.

This Mother's Day I am celebrating all women.  As a mother for less than two years now, I feel so fortunate to have so many examples of how to live; to have so many people to look to in order to remind myself of what can be.  It is easy to find motherhood full of challenges and daily heartbreaks - particularly when also trying to maintain a sense of self and contribute to the world in a positive way.  These truly great women (including my own mother) are important reminders to me of the incredible, unimaginable and outrageous world of possibilities that is open to me (to all of us) if I just fearlessly stay committed to living life balls to the wall.

And as I do that, as I stumble forward somewhat blindly but well-intentioned into all sorts of adventures and endeavors and travels and professional milestones, I know that I am being the best mother I can be.  One that continues to set the example for my own son of a live truly worth living.  One that is balls to the wall.

Decisions 2012

There are decisions that we have to make in life, and decisions that are made for us.  It is difficult to see which is which sometimes, and both kinds are challenging in their own ways.  Decisions that we have to make can paralyze us - knowing that the wrong choice can lead us down a path we may regret - and yet action is critical so any choice is better than no choice at all.   Making a decision on something important can be gut wrenching.  But a decision that is made for us is equally gut wrenching - having the choice out of our hands and not being able to decide what will happen next is a different kind of painful process.

Sometimes it is easier to be the one to decide where to go, what to do - then there is no one else to blame if things don't work out.   Sometimes it is devastating when the decision is made for you, as it can close a door you had hoped was open. Other times it can be fantastically freeing to have the choice taken out of your hands - it can serve as wonderful protection.  If you have to choose whether or not to take a job - that can be harder than not having the job offered to you in the first place.  A relationship ended by someone else can be heartbreaking, but sometimes less so than having to decide if it was good enough to maintain.

There are positives and negatives to decisions we make verses decisions that are made for us.  And both come in ample supply in life.  The important thing is to accept the decisions we are faced with, the choices open to us, and to act on them.  Fear of making the wrong choice, when one is presented to us, is never a viable option for a life lived balls to the wall.  And when we are given a break and a decision is made for us, well that too is a gift that should point us in another direction of pursuit - to the next fork in the road.

Be Open to the Bizarre

I find that strange things happen to me.  With some regularity.  And its not because of anything special about me, or that I am particularly strange (psshhhhtt).  It is because I am and have always been open to the bizarre.  I smell its possibility, I envision the hilarious versions of reality that are just a moment away, I anticipate that even the most normal interaction with another human being carries the potential for absolute weirdness - given the right combination of time, place and people.

I have so many beautiful stories of total madness, surreal experiences and "did that really happen??" reflections.  And it may be that I am responsible for helping usher them into existence - through my mere openness to them.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  The kinds of fiction-worthy things that are happening every day to people are so strange and funny and amazing - it is incredible what can happen to you, around you, with you if you somehow manage to send out the right unspoken signals, pheromones, body language, eye contact, and empathic openness in your communication.  Something lets people know they can be their freaky selves - and then the awesome madness ensues.

So, the life lesson for my dear Luka, is be open to the bizarre.  It will make you laugh and happy you have accumulated the stories - and someday you will call upon those memories to make you smile at how gloriously bizarre real life can be.

The Waiting Game

Anyone who knows me well knows that when it comes to time management I am a waiter not a rusher. I hate to be late, as I view it as hugely disrespectful, and I hate to rush (it stresses me out and makes me sweat). Therefore, in general I prefer to arrive to my destination - meeting, appointment, airport, etc. - with a comfortable cushion of time to spare. I much prefer getting somewhere early and waiting over rushing to arrive somewhere barely on time covered in back sweat with a flushed face. I am a waiter not a rusher.

However, when it comes to life and living balls to the wall I believe fully in NOT waiting to do something. There are some people, very responsible and smart people, who are waiting until retirement to enjoy their money, to travel and to live. There are people who are careful and cautious with their hearts and they wait to see how solid something is before they jump in and do something outrageous, if at all. Those people wait a bunch dates before having sex maybe, and certainly don't move in with someone a week after they meet them. There are people who focus heavily on working and counting the days until the rest of their life can begin - 14 more years and I will be able to start enjoying myself. That is one way to live, and it may be a smarter way - it has long term vision and planning and caution on its side. However, I prefer the other way. Not waiting.

I prefer to do things in the moment it strikes me, rather than wait another day. (It may be that I am never completely convinced that I will get another day so its critical to act immediately. You never know). By not waiting, you might find yourself running away to Puerto Rico with someone after only 3 dates. Or inviting someone you haven't seen for 10 years to spend Valentine's Day with you in Thailand. Or going snorkeling in Australia's Great Barrier Reef (even though you are terrified of sharks). Or cage diving with said sharks in Dubai. Or having a conversation with the Attorney General of Afghanistan. Or teaching the Chief Justice of Ghana the Electric Slide. Or find yourself in the middle of a hilarious spy novel in Azerbaijan, with cigarettes still smoldering in the ashtray of your empty apartment.

These are the kinds of things that can happen to people who don't wait for the right time.

It may be wiser and safer to wait for some things - until the time is right, until there is enough money saved, until all your ducks are in a row, until you are sure about it.... but living balls to the wall isn't about being safe. Its about going all in - living life like each day matters the most. Because it does.

The value of being a dork.

Last night I was thinking about the quest for the extraordinary, and in the early morning hours I had a ridiculous dream that involved marrying Johnny Depp, him speaking Arabic and sex. And I woke up feeling like a total dork (and yet smiling). It was a silly dream and cute and it reminded me that, in a quest for an extraordinary life, it is important to never be afraid to express the inner dork.

No one likes someone who takes themselves too seriously, thinks too highly of themselves, or is afraid to make an ass out of themselves. We might find some of those people impressive, intimidating or even extraordinary in some way, a distancing inhuman way - but without the ability to look like a complete dork there is something missing. Fun. Being a dork is so much more fearless, more balls to the wall, than being composed, confident and cool.

As I think about how I want my son to grow up, how I hope he views me, I hope he is often and alternating-ly embarrassed and proud of me. I hope some day he loves that I do the work that I do and brags about his mom to his friends. And I hope he cringes at the things I am willing to say or do - that he begs me not to dance in public or sing in the car when his friends are around or any other demonstrations of what an awesome dork I can be. In fact, I can't wait to model being a dork for him.

So lacking from my prior reflections on what it means to be extraordinary was the importance of ridiculousness. Ridiculous behavior, a huge imagination that allows for the most insane, funny and dorky of fantasies (hello Arabic speaking husband Johnny Depp) and a propensity to let the world see you as silly.

What it means to be extraordinary.

Recently I have been thinking about what it means to be extraordinary. To be an extraordinary person or do extraordinary things or to feel with extraordinary measure.

Coincidentally, I have also been thinking about the situation in Afghanistan - or perhaps not so coincidentally since working there/living there was an extraordinary experience for me. Also perhaps not so coincidentally I have been considering what it would mean to contribute there in the wake of the recent unfortunate events, as the opportunity to assist again may be on the horizon.

Thinking about my son, and wanting him to experience a life that is nothing less extraordinary, I am reminded that I have to model what that means. Of course it follows that living balls to the wall is likely to bring you closer to the extraordinary. So how does one do extraordinary things - BE extraordinary - exactly?

It means not playing it safe, for one. Not letting fear stop you from trying to accomplish great things. Not letting embarrassment or concern for looking foolish stop you from loving completely. In fact, it may be that the answer is to have just the right amount of recklessness. Be reckless in love. Be reckless in your sense of adventure. Be reckless in who you want to be. Give so much of yourself that you never have to ask "what if." And absolutely do the very things that people tell you can not do. While I expect to eat my words as my son gets older, I know that it will make him a better person for it.

Some people are extraordinarily good at their jobs. Or good in bed. Or good people. But the challenge seems to rest in how to be simply extraordinary. In all that you do. An extraordinarily good person, good parent, good partner, good worker, good citizen of the world.

(As an aside, I read something a highly successful woman and mother wrote - which is that you can have it all, just not all at the same time. Hmmmm.....)

As I (rapidly) approach turning 40, and what very well might be a midlife existential meltdown, I am conscious of how each decision - each action or inaction - may be viewed by my older self when the time comes for mortal reflections. What will I regret not having done is the most decisive factor in assessing current conditions, and i think so far it has steered me well. I am pleased (if not yet fully satisfied, though i hope never to be) with the level of extraordinary I have experienced thus far.

Without being reckless I would not have met so many extraordinary people (you know who you are). I would not have been to extraordinary places (like Istanbul and Buenos Aires and Thailand and India, to name but a few). I would not have worked on unimaginably meaningful and rewarding projects (in places such as Afghanistan no less). I would not have had my son (an epic of its own). I would not have thousands of memories to choose from on days when I need to remind myself of who I am, what I have done, where I have been, and where I still can go. When the time is right.

So, my love of loves,

my heart of hearts,

my prince of men.

This means that when your mom does something, it is for a reason - even if it appears foolish, reckless, impossible - and that reason is to show you how to pour every ounce of yourself into life. And in doing so, I hope you will learn to live an extraordinary life that makes your heart full, your head happy and your soul satisfied with the trail you leave behind.