What it means to be extraordinary.

Recently I have been thinking about what it means to be extraordinary. To be an extraordinary person or do extraordinary things or to feel with extraordinary measure.

Coincidentally, I have also been thinking about the situation in Afghanistan - or perhaps not so coincidentally since working there/living there was an extraordinary experience for me. Also perhaps not so coincidentally I have been considering what it would mean to contribute there in the wake of the recent unfortunate events, as the opportunity to assist again may be on the horizon.

Thinking about my son, and wanting him to experience a life that is nothing less extraordinary, I am reminded that I have to model what that means. Of course it follows that living balls to the wall is likely to bring you closer to the extraordinary. So how does one do extraordinary things - BE extraordinary - exactly?

It means not playing it safe, for one. Not letting fear stop you from trying to accomplish great things. Not letting embarrassment or concern for looking foolish stop you from loving completely. In fact, it may be that the answer is to have just the right amount of recklessness. Be reckless in love. Be reckless in your sense of adventure. Be reckless in who you want to be. Give so much of yourself that you never have to ask "what if." And absolutely do the very things that people tell you can not do. While I expect to eat my words as my son gets older, I know that it will make him a better person for it.

Some people are extraordinarily good at their jobs. Or good in bed. Or good people. But the challenge seems to rest in how to be simply extraordinary. In all that you do. An extraordinarily good person, good parent, good partner, good worker, good citizen of the world.

(As an aside, I read something a highly successful woman and mother wrote - which is that you can have it all, just not all at the same time. Hmmmm.....)

As I (rapidly) approach turning 40, and what very well might be a midlife existential meltdown, I am conscious of how each decision - each action or inaction - may be viewed by my older self when the time comes for mortal reflections. What will I regret not having done is the most decisive factor in assessing current conditions, and i think so far it has steered me well. I am pleased (if not yet fully satisfied, though i hope never to be) with the level of extraordinary I have experienced thus far.

Without being reckless I would not have met so many extraordinary people (you know who you are). I would not have been to extraordinary places (like Istanbul and Buenos Aires and Thailand and India, to name but a few). I would not have worked on unimaginably meaningful and rewarding projects (in places such as Afghanistan no less). I would not have had my son (an epic of its own). I would not have thousands of memories to choose from on days when I need to remind myself of who I am, what I have done, where I have been, and where I still can go. When the time is right.

So, my love of loves,

my heart of hearts,

my prince of men.

This means that when your mom does something, it is for a reason - even if it appears foolish, reckless, impossible - and that reason is to show you how to pour every ounce of yourself into life. And in doing so, I hope you will learn to live an extraordinary life that makes your heart full, your head happy and your soul satisfied with the trail you leave behind.

Synchronicity of the Head, Heart & Hooch

Now this may seem slightly off topic, but on the subject of life lessons for Luka and living balls to the wall - I think ruminations on passion, love and sex are important.

I am sure there is plenty that has been written on the subject, particularly in self-help books and couples therapy texts. But to state it bluntly, the best relationships (at least in so far as I guess, in my limited and not-so-hot record of relationships) seem to exist when there is synchronicity between the mind, heart and body...or as I call it - Head, Heart & Hooch.

So often we have an imbalance in one of the three areas, and when prolonged that can wreak havoc on a relationship. Too much of one area and not enough of another is never a good thing, as a relationship built solely around the hooch leaves the heart empty, while a relationship with all heart and no hooch is - lets just say its another brand of unfulfilling. An even more dangerous consequence of the Head, Heart, & Hooch imbalance is the appeal of getting one of the triad satisfied by someone outside the relationship. Whether it be in the form of "emotional cheating" by getting heart satisfaction from someone other than your partner, or physical cheating by hooch satisfaction, any way you look at it, it spells doom and gloom for most couples.

Some people live a little too focused in their own head, which is hard to get out of. Some people live exclusively through the hooch (for MEN I mean this figuratively - replace it with Heart and Head squared). When we do this, and our partner is not focusing on the same element at the same time, we risk massive disconnect. One partner thinks sex will solve a problem that the other partner thinks only heady discussion will solve. Its an age-old impasse.

The most desired combination therefore seems to exist when the head is in a good place with each partner seeing the other as a critical and positive addition to their lives, and the heart is warmed by the very presence of the other, and the hooch is happy and satiated right there at home. That is the magic of synchronicity of the head, heart & hooch.

love in a nutshell.

Smothering Under the Blanket of Melancholy

One of the consequences of living balls to wall, which I had forgotten until it snuck up on me recently, was the overwhelming crushing sensation when you crash to the ground after soaring so high.

There are such huge gains to dreaming big, to enlisting an overactive imagination to see what could be and where it could go. And there is so far to fall when, for all your efforts and powerful imagery, for some reason the stars don't align and it doesn't materialize. It is heartbreaking. It is a brand of heartbreak that plagues those who take risks, who reach for heights that are laughable and seemingly impossible - the irrational acts of a courageous and silly few.

But simmering in this nostalgic stew of melancholy, I am thankful. Thankful that I would rather see huge amazing potential, and suffer the pains of disappointment, than see a world through narrower and limiting eyes. And sometimes, just sometimes, the heights imagined, the dreams visualized and the fantasies of a madwoman magically are actualized, realized. And those moments, though rare and fleeting, keep the dreams going in this alternate reality of that which is impossible. Most of the time.

Virtual or Reality

I have been thinking a lot lately about the blurring lines between our virtual world and our concrete world, and I must say I haven't been able to reconcile my confusion between the two.

What is real and what is not? What is meaningful and what is meaningless? What is fact and what is fantasy? My questions are prompted by the every changing social environment that is taking place through online tools. So often now people are meeting their future partners online through dating websites. People are grieving the loss of loved ones on facebook. People are sharing the most mundane of daily activities through hourly tweets. There is arguably greater social activity happening in the virtual world than in person these days.

What do we do about the very vague boundary between virtual reality and Reality? In many respects these two worlds can be separate - people projecting personas in their virtual world that are distinct (if not all together different) from their concrete world persona. Making or remaining friends with people online that one will never (and never intends to) communicate with or see in person. In essence, for some of us we have the opportunity now to live multiple lives - one in real life and then several others online, depending on our mood.

Of course this is also being done through interactive videogames (I recently saw a program about one that may actually be called Second Life, where people have virtual second lives with other individuals and relationships and workplaces).

But sometimes, and unavoidably, these worlds (as innocent as they may have started) collide. And then what?

A sad example of this collision course relationship between virtual and reality is the consequences of the virtual behavior of cyberbullying. Cyberbullying leads to real deaths.

Lest you think I am using an extreme and unique example, is it not true that many (most) people do, say and act differently - more boldly - online than they would in person? Don't many of us say things (even in email) that we would be challenged to utter in person? Our behavior online is a changed/edited/modified version of ourselves - and sometimes the fact that it is not "real" is permission to be....well, bad.

There are also amazingly positive contributions of this virtual world, in fact they are too numerous to list (but one doesn't have to look further than the Arab Spring to see the potential power of harnessing social media for real social change). But I think we are in a strange position, this generation, of navigating our feelings, behavior and moral attitude around the seemingly limitless tools available for online living. And I struggle with the fluid line between my own virtual world (hello blog) and my Real world - as its apparent the two are constantly intersecting and changing the other. I only hope that in the things that matter, I don't cross the line.

Operation Baby Separation

I knew it had to happen. For months I have known it was past due. And finally I did it. I had my first night away from Luka since he was born over 15 months ago.

It was a bit like a staycation. We didn't stray far from home, and we didn't do much more than eat and see a movie (and eat again). But it was an important milestone in Operation Baby Separation - acknowledging that Luka and I are not one person. And that it is okay for us to be apart sometimes. And that he can in fact be totally happy in the care of others (thanks Mom). And that he is able to sleep through the night even without me listening intently from 20 feet away. He is fine without me. And I learned that I am fine (even better than fine) when I can take a break and get away and not have to think about someone else's needs the first second I wake up and the last minute before I fall asleep. Its a nice lesson and one that I think will need a lot of practice, but the first step was the hardest.

Phase I of (what I can only assume will be a lifelong process) Operation Baby Separation was a success. Someday I might have to be gone for more than 26 hours, and at least now we had a dress rehearsal.

Why Valentine's Day Matters

I understand the perspective of those who hate Valentine's Day. There are many good reasons to disavow this as a made-up holiday, one that creates expectations, disappoints many, and spreads gloom among people who are without a partner but would like one. I get it. I also understand that Hallmark and jewelry companies and flower shops and fancy restaurants all charge a fortune to help you "celebrate" on this date, for no real good reason.

But maybe there is a reason.

Maybe, for some people, reminding us to take a break from our routine and celebrate love is necessary. Sure, it doesn't have to be on Valentine's Day. Or Christmas. Or your birthday. It could be any day. And maybe it should be EVERY day. But lets be real. It isn't.

So for those of us who find ourselves in a frenzied pattern of day-to-day living and doing and working and taking care of business, both in our personal and professional lives, often showing appreciation is not a part of the habit of life.

Even in a good life, a great life, appreciation is appreciated. It doesn't have to be on Valentine's Day, but isn't it just easy that we are reminded to try to do that - show our appreciation and love - at least on this semi-random day in February?

This is why Valentine's Day matters. Because even the best of friendships and relationships can benefit from a designated time out from the taking-for-granted of each other's goodness in order to recognize, in the form of love and kindness and generosity of spirit (not money), the amazing fortune of finding another human being that you connect with. On February 14th, at the very least, or any other day of the year.

Taking the Plunge

This week my balls to the wall philosophy was put to the test, professionally speaking. Faced with two opportunities - one safe and one a gamble, one wrapped up with a bow and one big and amorphous, one a step back and one a giant leap forward - it was walk the talk time.

Going balls to the wall in life means taking the plunge and diving into the unknown, taking a risk and embracing the challenge rather than playing it safe and easy. So I gathered up my courage and said no to the simple path, the one I could have quickly slipped into with minimal difficulty.

Why? Because the not-so-simple path has the most to offer me in terms of all-around happiness, both professionally and personally. The harder road, as is often the case, has oodles of potential that is simply not found in the easy road. As of now I am committed to this new professional path, and while I see huge challenges ahead and moments where my capabilities will be tested and stretched, I also see opportunities for huge professional growth. And with that I see personal growth and happiness. I see greater flexibility, greater creativity and freedom.

Is it scary? Hell yeah. It is always scarier to do something new, something challenging, something that stretches us and forces us to grow. Not to mention the risks financially and emotionally if one fails. But like someone who is starting their own business, there is also excitement - excitement at the possibility of success, excitement over creating something new, and excitement of forging your own path rather than being a cog in a wheel. So for these reasons, among others, I decided to go balls to the wall in my career and current professional path and just take the plunge.

I don't know where the path will take me or if I will accomplish all that I hope in this new professional adventure, but that is part of the joy of life. Diving into the unknown, taking the plunge, going all in, balls to the wall. Anything less would be less of a life.